untangling

unordered week of whims and satisfactions

This past week has been an all-over-the-place week. Sat here writing this newsletter, I don’t even remember most of what I did. It feels like a 1000 piece puzzle where when a couple pieces fit together, you realise there is many left for the shape to be completed. I have been very busy, but at the same time, I have rested a lot. The best way to explain it would be that I didn’t think a lot but did plenty. Whenever you shorten your thinking and planning is fascinating how much one can do.

at a very Chinese time in my life

Finally, I stopped pressuring myself from thinking and planning over my last months in Japan. With this freedom, I engaged with a lot of drama watching. Since the spring season of k-dramas finished, I found myself starting a lot of Chinese ones. With even longer seasons than Korean ones, the binge watching is even more extreme. However, I have seen quite some bangers so I am happy and relaxed.

Because of this and that I have been using Pinterest more for fashion, I downloaded Xiaohongshu (Rednote app). I would describe it as a baby of TikTok and Pinterest. I have been using the app a lot, the content there is more useful and productive than other SNS apps. It’s quite inspiring too, I have found very nice spots in Tokyo, many healthy recipes and self-care tips. Even if I have only used it for several days, I barely use TikTok anymore. It is refreshing to see a Chinese social network instead of Western ones. Even living in Tokyo now, I feel like my TikTok recommended is still mainly tourists in Japan, or very popular Japanese accounts.

As some might know, I also want to learn Chinese some day. I was inspired to refresh some of my lessons in Duolingo to impress my Chinese friends in school. However, I realised there was something I had to do first in that app. Since I am going to Korea, I wanted to learn Hangul (Korean alphabet). Korean doesn’t have kanji or hanzi, so as long as I learn the alphabet, I can read all signs and texts. It would be a good skill so I can properly translate when I am there.

Hangul is known as a very interesting alphabet because it stacks letters instead of putting them next to each other. The signs/letters are very simple lines and shapes. Though that should make it easier for me, I am so used to study long stroke letters that my memorisation techniques can’t handle hangul at all. I haven’t locked in yet, though. I will just need to dedicate it a slow and long study session.

some escapades

I have mentioned a couple times in this newsletter that I would to a Go/shoji cafe. I have been practicing a bit more this week and also found a nice book about this game. There was an afternoon, where I wanted to do something but didn’t have anything planned. I checked my Maps and decided not to be a coward anymore. I went to the area, which was quite pretty. I found a restaurant I had on my list and decided to eat there before going to play Go games with grandpas.

The decoration of this place was super cute, I thanked past me for saving it from who knows where. The food was quite tasty as well. With my belly satisfied, I headed to the cafe. I was quite scared as I have never played Go in person. I am still not familiar with counting the area of the board or actually finishing the game. Normally online, the app can help with this or take care of it completely. Still, I decided I should be brave and go.

The place was in a building that looked residential and the actual cafe was just a simple room with a few tables. It probably is just a studio renovated as a business. I noticed it was quite expensive too, since the fees are for the whole day instead of by hour. It makes sense since go games can take forever, but it made it more taunting. I entered the room and I saw, there was absolutely no one besides the owner.

I spoke a bit with the owner and he told me that normally people come in other days. He also asked which Dan level I was, which made me feel overwhelmingly out of place as a complete beginner. I could have stayed and play with him and/or with the robot arm player. With my low level and skills, I felt quite embarrassed about the notion of having to pay a high amount just to either bother this guy that had other things to do or be humiliated and confused by a robot. Since there weren’t people to play, I decided to make a tactical retreat and come another day. This is also part of the philosophy Go ( I was just a coward). I am trying to play more full board games now, and once I beat some of the AIs and learn how to count a bit better the results, I will come back.

The other escapades I have done these weeks have also been very sporadic but not as foreign. On the weekend, I went to a Spanish festival. Yes, they had paella and tapas. It was quite small and honestly, I just went because a friend told me to check it out. It was a quite sunny day and the garden next to it was quite pretty. I didn’t stay long in the festival because I had no desire to make a long queue for a tiny paella dish. Instead, I walked around Hibiya (the area I was at) and ate in a Malatang restaurant I randomly found. I am at a Chinese time of my life after all.

Another day, after my jazz drum class, I went in a whole plethora of things in the entertainment area of Akihabara. I was starving so I went for yakitori. I wanted some meat and I had never tried one of the most famous yakitori chain stores. I went to izakayas before with yakitori and normally the plates are quite small. I was very hungry so I ordered quite a lot. When the first plate came, I realised this size was way bigger than other places. The amount of meat I ate could probably kill someone with high cholesterol. It was delicious though.

Afterwards, I picked my new glasses in the shopping mall. I love that I can go to a shopping mall at 20 pm. I didn’t buy anything else though. I went to play darts with my friend that was in the area too. The guy from reception did such a shocking and exciting face when she saw a girl going inside his bar. It was definitely a bit more of a pub than a place to play darts. However, it was quite a relaxing and big space. You also don’t pay by hour like other places, so it is nice. I played a couple games with my friend and then left. Now that I am using my new darts, I have gotten way better and my accuracy is starting to exist. Before, I would still often go out of bounds, but that barely happens anymore. I can also decide where my dart goes, which is quite useful I guess.

The last escapade I remember is going to Ebisu. I went to a clinic and they thinned and bleached my brows. It was quite an experience to go there, sit in the comfy, fancy chair and be pampered around. I liked the results so I was happy. Ebisu is known as the high-end foodie area, famous for having a lot of good quality restaurants and bistros. At first, I wanted to see if I could go to a pizza place that won the 3rd place in the best pizza of the world award. This place was booked for the next months, but decided to walk there to see if I was lucky. There was indeed a space but I was a bit late. I would only have 30 minutes to sit, get the food, eat and leave. I decided to go somewhere else, but even though this area is famous for food, I had not researched a lot of places in advance. I did have a couple so I walked to all of them. Mostly were booked out or the ingredients were finished. I wanted a fancy bistro so after a bit of walk, I found one that satisfied my requirements. While it wasn’t a gastronomic experience, the food was greatly cooked and seasoned. There were a lot of details in the dishes, which elevated the simple meals. I thoroughly enjoyed my food, my wine and everything I had. Test passed.

In Ebisu, there are also 4 toilets part of the Tokyo Toilet Tour. So, since I was there and these toilets are known to be the best at night, I decided to go to all of them. That afternoon and evening in Ebisu, I walked a lot and saw many nice streets from all different perspectives. Since this area is in Shibuya, the slopes were everywhere. The next day, I even had muscle soreness. Funny since I didn’t even have soreness when I went hiking a mountain in Chiba.

slice-of-life riverside walk

On Saturday, my friends organised a walking trip to a park in Kasai. It was around 8km so it was quite doable. It was supposed to be cloudy but the sun hit us hard. We were walking alongside the Arakawa river, which I must admit was completely mesmerising. This is where I should go on my runs, not the small canal I am used to going. There were many people doing exercise and walking around. I even saw some people flying their kite.

After the walk, we made it to the park and headed to a restaurant that provides picnic sets. We set the mats in the floor and spent the afternoon there: eating, chatting, and more eating. We also went in the ferris wheels that had great views of Tokyo.

We headed home at around 20 pm, but my friends still had energy. They wanted to have dinner and then go to karaoke. Karaoke technically means singing way longer than the last train. We went to Saizeriya, the Italian chain restaurant and ate there. We chatted some more and refilled our energies. Nevertheless, I was done and I didn’t feel like I had enough social energy to do karaoke, so I went home and passed out the moment my body touched my bed.

ambition

I found it quite curious that now that I don’t have a job, I have actually become more ambitious. Walking between all these tall buildings has raised my sights to further and bolder aspirations. Truth be told, ambition is something I had from a very early age. I have the vivid memory of being 11 years-old visiting what would be my high school and wondering if that would be the same feeling I have when I go to university. Even at that age, I already researched on possible ones and careers.

This ardent fire, though warm and exciting, can easily spiral out of control. As a teenager, these flames were too overpowering and suffocating that I ended up burning myself. I chose that in order to put it out, I had to abandon all ambition altogether. Someone competitive like me started not caring about losses or prioritising comfort over opportunities. Stability over effort.

Saying my life has not been ambitious all these years would be a lie, as I still took many daring steps and decisions that made me reach to many different places. Nevertheless, my ambition is something that was locked and jailed. A secret word that could never be uttered, something to shame so it wouldn’t resurface.

Tokyo has awakened this hunger. Seeing people pour themselves into their work and ambitions has made me expect more of myself too. I want to be so engrossed with a project that I forget I had plans that day, or struggle to avoid thinking about it over the weekend.

My intention is not to start doing overtime or having a more toxic work relationship. I just want to strive for more, do more and shoot higher. I was watching this show about an architect who started her career. Her parents disliked her job because they wanted her to have a more stable and peaceful life. When confronted with this idea, she said that even if she is not looking for hardships, she seeks for excitement. She wants to hone her professional skills, try many things she has never done and feel proud when she sees a building she designed.

This confession resonated with me because the things she said were the same ones I always preach in my life, while in reality, I have taken the position of the parents. I also defined success as having a peaceful and smooth life.

So, now that I want to dig my ambition up, the only thing I feel is fear. Not of failure, but of giving up. I am afraid that I won’t be able to keep my ambition on fire. I wonder if I am capable of putting in the work needed, or if I can be constant. I wonder if the only reason my fire burned hot before was because I was so used to the warmth of the flames. Now that I am no longer willing to sacrifice my own hands, will I have enough motivation to keep going? I am afraid of the possibility that I might be the one who is not enough.

great article i read here

To end this newsletter, I add this other article I recently read that is very insightful. I think it will most resonate with anyone who has moved cities, but I recommend everyone to read it for some good old life meaning reflections.

My favourite quotes are:

“Make the decision right, rather than make the right decision.” I think about that a lot. I don’t know if coming back was the right decision. But I’m trying every day to make it the right one.

“Night car headlights only illuminate fifty meters ahead, but that doesn’t stop you from driving the whole way.”

Do you know the poet Su Dongpo? He was exiled — truly exiled, not just relocated for a boyfriend — to some of the most remote corners of Song Dynasty China. Huangzhou. Huizhou. Danzhou. Places that were basically wilderness. And in every single one, he found something to love. In Huangzhou, he discovered the pork dish that bears his name. In Huizhou, he wrote about lychees. In Danzhou, he built a school. He didn’t love these places because they were lovable. He made them lovable because he decided to love them.

I Moved Back to a Second-Tier City and Finally Started Living